DANGER ZONE

It has been a very long time since I’ve posted anything. Kind of hibernating in my own little world. I lost 1 year of memory and thought It was too much thinking I’m 58 years old when my ex-husband said Erica you’re going to be 60 this January. Your 59 now not 58. What a shock to my wonder how could that be so. I’ve lived in several assisted living facilities. Been to several hospitals and my mind couldn’t adjust to all the pain and moving around. You see I have short term memory loss and some long term loss. The mind has a danger zone it let me keep good memories and eliminated the bad ones. Well I’m back now and I have missed writing very much. It took the memories and separated what what was painful and made it into a bad nightmare. I have major depression and bipolar disorder which doesn’t help. I have missed you all who was following me. I gained knowledge of all your posts. I need to post to get what’s inside instead of keeping it all bottled up. See you all again soon. My goal is to write a little something everyday. Take care. Love ya all Erica

Watch “Mix – Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton with lyrics” on YouTube

Mix – Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton with lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqYdzCenWMg&list=RDMqYdzCenWMg

Heaven is crying your name

Today is not my best.  I’m trying to hold on the only way I know how.  The harsh reality is facing my own mind.  I can’t seem to wipe away the tears in my heart for I’m paralyzed and numb.  I hate feeling suicidal yet I don’t want to die then bipolar monster strikes and I do.  Please accept my apology for those who read my blog,  I just want to be honest.  If I keep pretending that everything with me is ok, what does that help?  Nothing.  Maybe this is my way of asking someone, anyone to help me through this.  This is how quickly a person can fall further than they imagined.  First you wake up and go through the motions, coffee, and cigarette.  Then praying to God to help you.  After you play music that reflects your state of mind.  Once awake, you could start thinking of all you’ve lost, both family and friends.   You sink a bit lower into the pit of darkness, where you realize nothing is about to change.  This is when you completely break down inside, but keep it hidden from those around you.  You decide to tell no one, for you don’t want to be lectured again.  So you stare up towards the clouds and pray for the pain to go away.  Yet it doesnt.  So you try to write how you feel, you’re not even aware your in a deep depression and what happens during ,this time.  Your face can’t lift your sadness to a smile, your body is heavy and hard to move around.  You decide to go inside and sleep, but your mind is thinking your better off dead.  Then you don’t care what you write about and express what you wish you could do.  Just fall and don’t hold on to anything available.   This is my life at this time.  I know what I should do but I simply quit caring.  Heaven’s door is so close  I could have been there a few weeks ago.  I dream of a place where I’m walking in a field of delicate flowers, a golden road ahead where angels guide me.  I stop to smell fragrant flowers, I see family waiting for me but not saying a word.  I hear songs playing and wait my turn while heaven’s  tears flow down towards me.  I thought in Heaven there were no tears Lord.  God simply said to me, IT’S NOT YOUR LIFE TO TAKE, IT’S MINE.  THOSE TEARS FROM HEAVEN are to let you know you are alive.  Go back and live your life with passion and wait till I am ready for you.