CONTROLLING MY THOUGHTS

Back in the Saddle.

I hope some of you who remembers me I enjoyed it so much.  I found some photos of my biological father and mom.  I never met my real dad, I somehow feel connected.  I can’t wait to let you focus on a whole new perspective in my life.  Not only do I get to share with some friends here.  My name is Erica.  Glad to have you all to express my heart, and soul. I will write a post that means I’m alive.  

Kindness and respect is a long way to self discovery.  If I cannot show kindness and respect I’m not who I always thought I was.  Believe me I truly realize my life’s not over.  I think I have some experiences that is encompassing my version of living.

 

 

EVICTED FROM MY HOME

To everyone I say thanks for inspiring me through this period in my life.  For the past 2 months I’ve been in the hospital and now in a a rehab or nursing home. 
I feel lost and afraid of what’s to come .  I’m only here until I can find an apartment for me and my son to live.  I’ve been thinking of you all during this time.  I’m more inclined to post again.  Hopefully you all haven’t forgotten about me.  There’s so much to tell you. 

GHOSTS IN MY CLOSET

When I was a child I would slip into the mode of searching for anything to save me from being sexually abused by my stepfather.  

When I layed in bed I would stare at my wall. I could see my grandmother’s face outlined in the wall.  I would talk to her cause she died and I missed her much.  This seems strange I know, but it helped me feel like she was watching over me. 

I was only 9 years old, but I couldn’t tell anyone because I was afraid.  My mom, grandma and brother were the only ones I trusted. 

My brother was killed in Vietnam,  so my mom was consumed with horrible grief so I couldn’t tell her. My brother was like a father to me, and my grandmother died a few years later.  I lived in a house where everything was dark and gloomy.  I felt unable at an early age to keep my feelings to myself.  Then 20 years later my sister was stabbed to death by her 29 year old son.  Grief became the only emotion in my life.  Now I just think God is ready to take me too.  I hurt all the time.  

I see, feel and hear my loved ones who died.  Sometimes it saves me other times I get scared that my time here on earth is soon over.  I don’t actually see my dead family members,  but I sense their presence.   Do any of you have such feelings?  If you do please let me know, I need to talk with those of you so I don’t feel like I’m crazy for these experiences.   I believe Ghosts are not demons, but perhaps God’s way to communicate with you and me. 

Depression Unveiled

 

     
There’s many people who are depressed and have a high risk of suicide.   They don’t always follow each other, but  also experience severe suicidal thoughts.   I’m trying to make sense of this fact. 

Let’s start by unraveling how depression sneaks up on you.  You can feel completely normal one day with just a slight increase in anxiety and stress.  You probably remember how this felt.  Your mind ruminates on a single thought,  how empty you feel about your life.
Then you might try to distract yourself with work, family obligations.   However,  the harder you try to supress those unwanted thoughts you actually are consumed with them.  You decide that maybe it’s just you overreacting,  so you sleep longer than normal.  Dreams turn into nightmares and you wake up in a sweat.  Your sleep is disturbed and your eating patterns change.  Work no longer helps you so you start taking days off due to iillness.  Depression begins manifesting as physical symptoms appear.  So you falsely believe that your just sick.  Anything to believe it’s only outside situations beyond your control that are making you depressed. 

Days turn into weeks into months that you feel life isn’t worth it.  You can’t focus on anything for too long.  Finally you turn to a doctor to perhaps give you antidepressant for this problem.  You expect a quick recovery,  but medication doesn’t help and your psychiatrist diagnoses  you with clinical depression.   You ask but don’t understand this label given to you and decide to educate yourself on this subject.   This only adds to your confusion.  

Then one day at work you take extra time off on your lunch break.  No one even notices.   During lunch you park your car at a store parking lot and listen to sad songs.   You sink further into a depressed state of mind.  You contemplate suicide because there’s no one you can talk to about how you feel worthless, hopeless  and don’t feel there’s any reason for you to live.  So you go back to work and fake it.  Smiles are simply a way out of discussing how bad you feel.  Some people might go to a psychologist for help.  You reveal all sorts of your life to a stranger.   Intimate details flood your mind and when you leave you remember  secrets of your past that are intrusive.  At your psychiatrist s appointment he prescribes a higher dose of antidepressant.   You start gaining weight and feel dispair.  Isolating from family and friends comes next.  You try to explain how you feel and they only contribute to you sinking further into the tight grips of depression.   They might make cruel remarks like why don’t you just stop feeling sorry for yourself and just get over it.  This really stings and you doubt yourself.  No amount of counseling helps. 

What do you do next?  Suddenly thoughts of dying consume all your waking thoughts.  How will you do it, when should you do it and by what means should you engage in committing  suicide?  Well by now you feel helpless so you might decide on taking some extra pills, or maybe turning your car on inside a garage and just go to sleep permanently.   In either case it’s appealing cause you feel this way would be painless.  There’s a huge amount of pills you’ve stored away and begin your descent into a hellish nightmare.  One by one you start popping those Xanax pills.  You forget how many and take more as you feel no effect yet.  You might make a gesture for help by calling a friend, but hang up when their answering machine is the only thing you hear.  As a last resort you call your psychiatrist and you don’t say a word just mumble you are depressed and make light of how you actually feel.  The last person you decide to speak to is the 911 operator.  All of a sudden you colapse on the floor.  There’s no one home but you. What happens next is a mystery since you are unconscious and stopped breathing, but you don’t feel anything.  You can’t move or talk but you start to feel pounding hard on your chest and try to communicate that this hurts.  This is the moment when you are alive again.  Cpr was administered, then the defibulater was placed on your chest and your heart begins beating again.  The paramedics decide that your airway is compromised so  they get orders to begin to intubate you while still in the rescue truck Enroute to the nearest hospital.  At this point you feel yourself struggling to get them to stop as there’s so much pain. When you finally become conscious again your in ICU with a tube down your throat and your on a one to one.   Someone is always with you.  They take out the tube once your breathing on your own.  Doctor comes in to see you and nothing you say is coherent to them.  You stay in the intensive care unit being monitored closely.   Suddenly you become acutely aware of where you are and try making sense of everything.  However, you can’t remember anything about what happened.   Piece by piece you reconstruct the time missing.  Then once medically cleared they send you to the psychiatric unit for the police baker acted you.  It’s very humiliating and embarrassing.   You convince the doctor that you are well enough to go home.  He doesn’t believe you so you stay confined in the hospital ward.  You are finally discharged and go home.  

Family and friends don’t understand why you tried to kill yourself and are very angry with you.  So you believe you were selfish and had no regard for hurting them.  It’s all about how they feel and nothing about you and your feelings.  It’s sad but the cycle begins again.  What a tragedy. 

There you have it an intimate revelation into the first hand account of a person’s suicide attempt.  I’m telling you this for those considering suicide as a means to end your pain.  This is NOT the way, Please don’t copy my deperation and get help.  Call someone who can really help you.  There are 2 ways I’m aware of to treat active suicidal intentions. 
     ECT TREATMENT
     LITHIUM
     INVEGA INJECTION.   ONCE A MONTH
These methods have greatly helped reduce suicide.  Ask your doctor to consider these options.
May God bless each one of you in crisis. 

Dreams Frighten Me

Are my dreams reality that hasn’t happened yet?   

I don’t know, but maybe someone out there can enlighten me.  Last night I awoke at 5 am from a dream or nightmare.  I was at a pool and approached a couple with two children, a 10 year old boy with his 6 month old sister.  The parents were very protective and the children had to stay inside and couldn’t play or be outside.  I  spoke to the parents and explained that them shielding their children was detrimental to them.  I convinced the father who was in a lounge by the pool to let me take his daughter in the pool and his son too.  Then I held the baby girl in the water so she could feel the water.  However, when I turned around the baby was floating under water.  I attempted cpr, and begged my cousin to help me revive her, but she only stated, It’s too late.  I was totally devastated, but I felt frozen in time.  When I informed the parents it was like that wasn’t their child.  I allowed their baby girl to die cause I didn’t hold onto her.  Why was I the only one who cared?  I awoke with these vivid emotions and details.  Maybe one of you can make sense of my dream.