Forgiveness

Published September 8, 2017 by sweety5225

I’M AWARE LIFE IS NEVER OVER and just moments left here on earth.  Make them count, enjoy. the time you can share with family and friends.  In order to accomplish this you have to be able to let go of the ugliest part of mental illness.  Without doing this there’s less of a chance to manage your illness.  Not your illness controlling you.  I believe there’s no medication to completely feeling normal. Imagine yourself on top of the largest tree.   I am struggling each day and hour to believe in myself again.  However, as I climb down limb by limb I feel the pains of life.  Life’s not perfect so I’ve stopped trying not to making my life without bruises and bumps.  You too will find your own remedy for mental health.  If you don’t fight hard for what you want you don’t have the fruit awaiting down the tree.  

Back in the Saddle.

Published September 8, 2017 by sweety5225

I hope some of you who remembers me I enjoyed it so much.  I found some photos of my biological father and mom.  I never met my real dad, I somehow feel connected.  I can’t wait to let you focus on a whole new perspective in my life.  Not only do I get to share with some friends here.  My name is Erica.  Glad to have you all to express my heart, and soul. I will write a post that means I’m alive.  

Kindness and respect is a long way to self discovery.  If I cannot show kindness and respect I’m not who I always thought I was.  Believe me I truly realize my life’s not over.  I think I have some experiences that is encompassing my version of living.

 

 

EVICTED FROM MY HOME

Published July 30, 2016 by sweety5225

To everyone I say thanks for inspiring me through this period in my life.  For the past 2 months I’ve been in the hospital and now in a a rehab or nursing home. 
I feel lost and afraid of what’s to come .  I’m only here until I can find an apartment for me and my son to live.  I’ve been thinking of you all during this time.  I’m more inclined to post again.  Hopefully you all haven’t forgotten about me.  There’s so much to tell you. 

Food for the Mind

Published July 30, 2016 by sweety5225

Our mind is constantly searching and seeking information that is consistent with our beliefs.  But we refuse to allow any new ideas into our brain cells.  Simple as that.  My mind tends to continually operate on knowledge and forget tiny parts of wisdom passed to us by our parents.  I choose to believe that everything my mother experienced has merit.  She went through most of all tragedies in life.  She passed this knowledge on to me in hopes that I will learn from it.  Why can’t everyone else do the same.  Well for one, everyone’s mother and fathers don’t always have apparent joy and unconditional love.   But my mom is and was a great mother who tried to pass on everything she learned to me.  So I thank you mom. 

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   Yolanda Sanders Velasco
You are and have been a role model mom.  Love forever to the moon and back.

Without Warning!!!

Published May 23, 2016 by sweety5225

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Often there’s little time available before we’re aware of the drastic changes in our behavior.   We become sucked into the spiraling wall of depression oblivious to our surrounding.  
We begin to notice time has elapsed and motionless.  We are unfamiliar with our territory.   We don’t recognize anyone we once knew, including ourselves.  This is how my depression manifests inside my mind. Everything strives to be congruent with each other. There’s no space for second thoughts, or as I say any regrets.  This bolt of lightening flashes through our brain, causing all those happy neurons to misfire.  I am then stuck on only the high viligent phase.  No second hand return policy.  So I carry on and experience the depths of depression as it was meant.  My whole body is heightened to accept even the slightest change in activity. 

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Before I was aware, my body shut down, similar to a power plant due to being on overload.  The chief engineer, that’s me, works patiently to diffuse the walking timebomb.  Lives are at stake, children, the elderly and folks like me.  I rush to the source of the malfunction and surprise I see its either them or me who gets saved.  Well guess who I choose?  My family and friends are the first to leave.  They are always my first priority in that line.  If there’s anytime left, I save myself.  Who do you think I should have chosen?

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Don’t Assume I Want to Die

Published May 23, 2016 by sweety5225

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A huge part of me thinks about death and dying.  Then there’s the part of me crying inside because I want to live.  Not just exist, but living a full life.  I don’t want to wake up feeling why should I bother.

These are just some of the thoughts occupying my brain.  Totally out of my character,  yet recognizable by close family and friends.   I can surely put on a mask and adjust what emotion I need to portray.  I would simply love to feel normal whatever that is these days.  Just a glimpse into the person I used to be before the wrath of depression took over.  Now depression is my only mood. 

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Sure I experience some of the manic highs, but I tremble with fear for I realize the deep throes of depression with suicidal thoughts come right after.  There’s no amount of wishing them away .  No promise of tomorrow will suffice.  The end result is constant reminders that I’m unable to shed some light.  Knowing that this is temporarily the result of years of cursing myself for not being stronger.  I understand that  my suicidal emotions and behaviors are typical when someone is severely depressed.   I can’t seem to adjust my faulty thinking process.  What I think mostly about is how I feel and behave.  So for me, I must change those thoughts to a healthy way of living.  I can acknowledge what my weaknesses are then tell myself I don’t have to give them power by believing them.  It’s my beliefs and perceptions that create havoc in my life.  However, society slamming me down in the ground sure doesn’t help either.  Then lets not forget the biological predisposition that comes with CLINICAL DEPRESSION.   My brain isn’t wired like others.  Those dopamine receptors don’t want to connect properly.  So please try not to blame me and make me feel like I did something to deserve this illness.  Just remember that just because I’m in so much pain, Doesn’t Mean I want to die.  So don’t give up on me for I never gave up on you. 

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Let me say one thing I know for sure.  I DON’T REALLY WANT TO DIE.   What I’m saying is that I just can’t bear to live in so much emotional and physical pain anymore.  But I am not trying to end my life only that I want the pain to stop.  Many people think they know what I’m feeling, yet they are so misguided simply by my suicidal behavior of cutting myself or taking an overdose of pills.  To others when they hear I’ve done these things, they assume I’m attention seeking or call me dramatic and label me.  This only assigns blame without ever understanding the truth.  I’m not being selfish or inconsiderate of my family or friends.  I’m a real person who has a real medical disease. 

My thoughts on this subject is this.  If my head could speak and tell how depression looks, you’d see black tumors on my skull.  But it can’t speak.  So listen up ok?  I’m a normal girl who has the sickness called depression.   What I need most from you is to hold my hand cause I’m not contagious.   Hug me for no reason.  Call me just to let me know your my friend and you’ll be there for me when times get rough.  Invite me over for a Sunday dinner with your family.  Don’t make me feel like the outsider, instead let your actions show me I’m family and your not ashamed of me. 

Whatever you choose to do treat me with the same kindness that you’d wish to have in return.   Karma sometimes has a way of biting you in the ass. 

My Addiction of Hoarding

Published May 22, 2016 by sweety5225

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What some people call keeping their personal belongings, to me it’s the need to never get rid of my stuff.  I plan on organizing everything someday, yet that day never comes.  I Procrastinate as much as I can.  I’ve learned that not even my psychiatrist is aware that I do this and I didn’t realize it till my son saw my closet.  Mom, your a hoarder.  This is some of the items I’ve hoarded the past few years. 

     Handbags count about 100 purses, some expensive some cheap

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Shoes account for maybe 40 shoes

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     Scrapbooking supplies worth over 5,000 dollars
    Markers and crayons
     Photos thousands
     Clothing from my various sizes over the years
     I even save medical bills I know I can’t pay
     Books including self help workbooks I don’t read

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This is just what I can recall that I have.  I think my need to save everything started at a younger age.  I seem to buy things in groups of two of everything I can buy.  Somethings still have the price tag on like clothes and purses.  The mere idea of giving away or selling them makes me very anxious.  I just used to believe that I was a compulsive shopper.  But I know it’s much more than that.  I never thought much of it.  I keep so much with me that I don’t even know what I own.  I would hide the shopping bags under my bed so my husband wouldn’t see how much I’d spend each week.  One of something was not enough unless I ought 2 or more of everthing.  I guess this is a problem that I need to speak my psychiatrist about at my next appointment.   If anybody experiences these similar problems please let me know.  I realize it more now as I have nowhere to put anything without a huge cluttered area.  When I am able to get my own apartment again, I want to start fresh. 

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This hoarding illness has caused relationship problems, financial problems and a generally lack of self esteem.  I believe that I continue feeding into this disease due to my need to fill up the emptiness in my heart.  I know that no matter what material possession I buy will not make me feel complete.   I’m searching in the wrong direction.   I want to feel loved just because I love myself and not place more value into what others think or feel about me. 
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