To everyone I say thanks for inspiring me through this period in my life. For the past 2 months I’ve been in the hospital and now in a a rehab or nursing home.
I feel lost and afraid of what’s to come . I’m only here until I can find an apartment for me and my son to live. I’ve been thinking of you all during this time. I’m more inclined to post again. Hopefully you all haven’t forgotten about me. There’s so much to tell you.
Our mind is constantly searching and seeking information that is consistent with our beliefs. But we refuse to allow any new ideas into our brain cells. Simple as that. My mind tends to continually operate on knowledge and forget tiny parts of wisdom passed to us by our parents. I choose to believe that everything my mother experienced has merit. She went through most of all tragedies in life. She passed this knowledge on to me in hopes that I will learn from it. Why can’t everyone else do the same. Well for one, everyone’s mother and fathers don’t always have apparent joy and unconditional love. But my mom is and was a great mother who tried to pass on everything she learned to me. So I thank you mom.
Yolanda Sanders Velasco
You are and have been a role model mom. Love forever to the moon and back.
Often there’s little time available before we’re aware of the drastic changes in our behavior. We become sucked into the spiraling wall of depression oblivious to our surrounding.
We begin to notice time has elapsed and motionless. We are unfamiliar with our territory. We don’t recognize anyone we once knew, including ourselves. This is how my depression manifests inside my mind. Everything strives to be congruent with each other. There’s no space for second thoughts, or as I say any regrets. This bolt of lightening flashes through our brain, causing all those happy neurons to misfire. I am then stuck on only the high viligent phase. No second hand return policy. So I carry on and experience the depths of depression as it was meant. My whole body is heightened to accept even the slightest change in activity.
Before I was aware, my body shut down, similar to a power plant due to being on overload. The chief engineer, that’s me, works patiently to diffuse the walking timebomb. Lives are at stake, children, the elderly and folks like me. I rush to the source of the malfunction and surprise I see its either them or me who gets saved. Well guess who I choose? My family and friends are the first to leave. They are always my first priority in that line. If there’s anytime left, I save myself. Who do you think I should have chosen?
A huge part of me thinks about death and dying. Then there’s the part of me crying inside because I want to live. Not just exist, but living a full life. I don’t want to wake up feeling why should I bother.
These are just some of the thoughts occupying my brain. Totally out of my character, yet recognizable by close family and friends. I can surely put on a mask and adjust what emotion I need to portray. I would simply love to feel normal whatever that is these days. Just a glimpse into the person I used to be before the wrath of depression took over. Now depression is my only mood.
Sure I experience some of the manic highs, but I tremble with fear for I realize the deep throes of depression with suicidal thoughts come right after. There’s no amount of wishing them away . No promise of tomorrow will suffice. The end result is constant reminders that I’m unable to shed some light. Knowing that this is temporarily the result of years of cursing myself for not being stronger. I understand that my suicidal emotions and behaviors are typical when someone is severely depressed. I can’t seem to adjust my faulty thinking process. What I think mostly about is how I feel and behave. So for me, I must change those thoughts to a healthy way of living. I can acknowledge what my weaknesses are then tell myself I don’t have to give them power by believing them. It’s my beliefs and perceptions that create havoc in my life. However, society slamming me down in the ground sure doesn’t help either. Then lets not forget the biological predisposition that comes with CLINICAL DEPRESSION. My brain isn’t wired like others. Those dopamine receptors don’t want to connect properly. So please try not to blame me and make me feel like I did something to deserve this illness. Just remember that just because I’m in so much pain, Doesn’t Mean I want to die. So don’t give up on me for I never gave up on you.
Let me say one thing I know for sure. I DON’T REALLY WANT TO DIE. What I’m saying is that I just can’t bear to live in so much emotional and physical pain anymore. But I am not trying to end my life only that I want the pain to stop. Many people think they know what I’m feeling, yet they are so misguided simply by my suicidal behavior of cutting myself or taking an overdose of pills. To others when they hear I’ve done these things, they assume I’m attention seeking or call me dramatic and label me. This only assigns blame without ever understanding the truth. I’m not being selfish or inconsiderate of my family or friends. I’m a real person who has a real medical disease.
My thoughts on this subject is this. If my head could speak and tell how depression looks, you’d see black tumors on my skull. But it can’t speak. So listen up ok? I’m a normal girl who has the sickness called depression. What I need most from you is to hold my hand cause I’m not contagious. Hug me for no reason. Call me just to let me know your my friend and you’ll be there for me when times get rough. Invite me over for a Sunday dinner with your family. Don’t make me feel like the outsider, instead let your actions show me I’m family and your not ashamed of me.
Whatever you choose to do treat me with the same kindness that you’d wish to have in return. Karma sometimes has a way of biting you in the ass.
What some people call keeping their personal belongings, to me it’s the need to never get rid of my stuff. I plan on organizing everything someday, yet that day never comes. I Procrastinate as much as I can. I’ve learned that not even my psychiatrist is aware that I do this and I didn’t realize it till my son saw my closet. Mom, your a hoarder. This is some of the items I’ve hoarded the past few years.
Handbags count about 100 purses, some expensive some cheap
Shoes account for maybe 40 shoes
Scrapbooking supplies worth over 5,000 dollars
Markers and crayons
Clothing from my various sizes over the years
I even save medical bills I know I can’t pay
Books including self help workbooks I don’t read
This is just what I can recall that I have. I think my need to save everything started at a younger age. I seem to buy things in groups of two of everything I can buy. Somethings still have the price tag on like clothes and purses. The mere idea of giving away or selling them makes me very anxious. I just used to believe that I was a compulsive shopper. But I know it’s much more than that. I never thought much of it. I keep so much with me that I don’t even know what I own. I would hide the shopping bags under my bed so my husband wouldn’t see how much I’d spend each week. One of something was not enough unless I ought 2 or more of everthing. I guess this is a problem that I need to speak my psychiatrist about at my next appointment. If anybody experiences these similar problems please let me know. I realize it more now as I have nowhere to put anything without a huge cluttered area. When I am able to get my own apartment again, I want to start fresh.
This hoarding illness has caused relationship problems, financial problems and a generally lack of self esteem. I believe that I continue feeding into this disease due to my need to fill up the emptiness in my heart. I know that no matter what material possession I buy will not make me feel complete. I’m searching in the wrong direction. I want to feel loved just because I love myself and not place more value into what others think or feel about me.
Whenever I am unable to control my emotions, I feel utterly useless and worthless.
I’m starting to understand that sometimes there’s simply no right or wrong. It is what it is. If I can’t manage to express myself calmly, that emotion is usually my anger talking and I resort to stuffing that emotion back inside. It scares me to be that hostile and full of anger. Normally I avoid any argument that results in a loud voice or screaming obscenities. I find my heart beats too fast, I begin sweating, and that’s where I fear the beast coming out of me.
So I prefer to quietly exchange in any discussion that could lead to angry outbursts. I save those angry moments when it’s a fight or flight matter.
People that Matter Don’t. Judge and
People that Judge don’t matter.
If we all subscribed to this way of thinking, there would be less attempts to please everyone else. My nature of my reality is, only God sits that high and ultimately only He has that right to judge others.
I find myself sitting outside my porch staring into the clouds. I think what a glorious view that God let’s me see each day. I see the trees, hear the birds, feel the breeze, and smell the grass. All in a matter of seconds, God’s creation comes alive to all my senses. I remember to thank Him for these wonders.
I know that there’s much more awaiting me up in Heaven, but my time’s not ready. So again it too shall come to pass another morning. I’m left wondering what is it that keeps me holding back how I feel.
I hold back the tears that fill my eyes so no one is the wiser. I don’t want to appear weak and feeble. No one seems to notice anyway. So why bother. I have no answers, and yet I call these Dry Tears for nobody can tell how much pain I’m feeling.
I’m hungry for acceptance and love, but I’m disregarded like an old rag. I hide my hunger and pretend I’m FINE. In reality, my heart is breaking for I can’t feel my heart beat and there’s no pulse rate. Others only see what I allow them to view.
Unable to hear someone calling out my name, I suddenly come to the realization that no one’s around. Except that figment of my imaginization. That little lost soul is begging for just one person to extend their hand. My body is paralyzed with fear and there’s nowhere to run and hide. I ask myself WHY? Yet there’s no sound coming out. My mouth is closed tight. Maybe I’m just in a world without light.
I hope and pray for all of you to see, that this world we live in is right for you and me. I can’t explain why I’m thinking these thoughts, I guess it’s just a test to make us stronger when we’re going up high into GOD’S LIGHT.
I’m packed and ready to make that journey for all to see. I’ll let down my defenses, so you will be right next to me. Love your daughter, Erica