SIGHTS, SOUNDS AND SMELLS

I WAS JUST THINKING.   Everyone wakes up to various sights, such as the sunrising, sights of school children waiting for their bus stop.  We react and think of happier times.  While seeing ourselves in the mirror withot makeup or a face unshaven.   We judge ourselves based on our looks.  But if we turn it around we know all can be fixed by simply shaving and putting lipstick or whole makeup.  

Sounds trigger impulses positive or negative.  A gun going off or maybe a baby crying or laughing.  We associate those sounds and it can recall happy times or tramatic emotions we’ve experienced in our lives.  Finally, you awaken to the fresly brewed pot of coffee.  The smell is enviting while going outside and smelling the sweet odor of fresh rain on the grass.  Or cutting yourself and smell the blood dripping down your arm.   Which do you prefer?  These are the very little things that can make or break our day.  We are empowered to focus on the positive senses if we choose to believe in ourself.  I’m trying so hard to revamp my life and forgive myself when I act and behave badly.  all of our senses play  a huge part in our thinking process, we just need to say to yourself I’m human I make mistakes but all in all I’m a good person.   

 

CONTROLLING MY THOUGHTS

DANGER ZONE

It has been a very long time since I’ve posted anything. Kind of hibernating in my own little world. I lost 1 year of memory and thought It was too much thinking I’m 58 years old when my ex-husband said Erica you’re going to be 60 this January. Your 59 now not 58. What a shock to my wonder how could that be so. I’ve lived in several assisted living facilities. Been to several hospitals and my mind couldn’t adjust to all the pain and moving around. You see I have short term memory loss and some long term loss. The mind has a danger zone it let me keep good memories and eliminated the bad ones. Well I’m back now and I have missed writing very much. It took the memories and separated what what was painful and made it into a bad nightmare. I have major depression and bipolar disorder which doesn’t help. I have missed you all who was following me. I gained knowledge of all your posts. I need to post to get what’s inside instead of keeping it all bottled up. See you all again soon. My goal is to write a little something everyday. Take care. Love ya all Erica

Everyday Blues

Parts of depression are so typical of just lost purse, dog died, got fired etc… These are resentful times where we confuse our family and friends. Then there’s just no reason to be severely depressed, yet we are. Nevertheless, our ffamily just assumes we”ll get over it in time. Then they get angry. Depression is a chemical organic mental disease. Nothing will just shake it off. I try to explain the symptoms and reasons why we CANNOT wish it away. You just feel numb hopeless and no where to hide cuz we cannot run anywhere. Then we can’t wait to get into manic episodes fast enough. Everything seems possible and we enjoy feeling alive again. Well that’s how it’s for me.

Death is easy while to live is very difficult

I believe in God with all my heart. However, it takes strength to survive. Through illnesses and pain goes together. I’m suffering from mental organic disease plus physical pain. I’ve been awful to people I live with. I also have severe depression and bipolar disorder. The manic phase is like a high while depression kicks you in the butt. I don’t want pity just real compassion. My family understands when I’m going thru physical problems but, they run as fast as they can. Why? They don’t consider my mental disorders. I have only support from my doctor who keeps me going ahead. I wish they could feel some of what we all feel but get no support or love. I feel like I’m just existing bit not living. We do all sorts of things like shop till we are broke. People drink do drugs etc… So you see why death seems so good and that’s when we have suicidal ideations. Some take it to the limit while not realizing what it does to family and friends. That’s when they attend funeral but still blame the person. Why not give your love and support while you are alive. I have one 21 yr old son who hates me doesn’t call or visit me. Only one aunt talks to me. So I am going to rely on God’s love and mercy. Help me Lord just know I won’t give up unless I have no choice. Thanks for listening to me.

Lonely with No one who loves me

Isn’t There Anybody who loves me?

Forgiveness

I’M AWARE LIFE IS NEVER OVER and just moments left here on earth.  Make them count, enjoy. the time you can share with family and friends.  In order to accomplish this you have to be able to let go of the ugliest part of mental illness.  Without doing this there’s less of a chance to manage your illness.  Not your illness controlling you.  I believe there’s no medication to completely feeling normal. Imagine yourself on top of the largest tree.   I am struggling each day and hour to believe in myself again.  However, as I climb down limb by limb I feel the pains of life.  Life’s not perfect so I’ve stopped trying not to making my life without bruises and bumps.  You too will find your own remedy for mental health.  If you don’t fight hard for what you want you don’t have the fruit awaiting down the tree.  

Back in the Saddle.

I hope some of you who remembers me I enjoyed it so much.  I found some photos of my biological father and mom.  I never met my real dad, I somehow feel connected.  I can’t wait to let you focus on a whole new perspective in my life.  Not only do I get to share with some friends here.  My name is Erica.  Glad to have you all to express my heart, and soul. I will write a post that means I’m alive.  

Kindness and respect is a long way to self discovery.  If I cannot show kindness and respect I’m not who I always thought I was.  Believe me I truly realize my life’s not over.  I think I have some experiences that is encompassing my version of living.

 

 

EVICTED FROM MY HOME

To everyone I say thanks for inspiring me through this period in my life.  For the past 2 months I’ve been in the hospital and now in a a rehab or nursing home. 
I feel lost and afraid of what’s to come .  I’m only here until I can find an apartment for me and my son to live.  I’ve been thinking of you all during this time.  I’m more inclined to post again.  Hopefully you all haven’t forgotten about me.  There’s so much to tell you. 

Food for the Mind

Our mind is constantly searching and seeking information that is consistent with our beliefs.  But we refuse to allow any new ideas into our brain cells.  Simple as that.  My mind tends to continually operate on knowledge and forget tiny parts of wisdom passed to us by our parents.  I choose to believe that everything my mother experienced has merit.  She went through most of all tragedies in life.  She passed this knowledge on to me in hopes that I will learn from it.  Why can’t everyone else do the same.  Well for one, everyone’s mother and fathers don’t always have apparent joy and unconditional love.   But my mom is and was a great mother who tried to pass on everything she learned to me.  So I thank you mom. 

   Yolanda Sanders Velasco
You are and have been a role model mom.  Love forever to the moon and back.